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Rules of Conduct for San Francisco Public Transportation Agents
BY CLINT MARSH
EXCERPTED FROM JACARÉ NO.2

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Rule No.1: Before the agent’s shift, all change machines in the station and those within a three-block radius of the station shall be unplugged, or better, removed.

Rule No.2: Under no circumstances shall the agent ever leave the glass cubicle.

Rule No.3: When approached by a patron, the agent shall quickly appear very busy and pretend not to notice the patron.

Rule No.4: If by some off chance eye contact is made, the agent shall sneer menacingly.

Rule No.5: When the patron asks a question, the agent shall resume whatever task they were busily doing before.

Rule No.6: If the patron knocks on the glass cubicle, the agent shall immediately spring into a rage, cursing, foaming at the mouth, and throwing objects around inside the cubicle. After a few minutes of this, the agent shall hold up a sign reading “AGENT HAS NO MONEY.”

Rule No.7: If the patron continues asking questions in English, the agent shall feign fluency only in Mandarin. If the patron attempts Mandarin, the agent shall feign Swahili. If the patron speaks Swahili, the agent shall mutter phrases in Dutch. If the patron glows with delight and repeats their question in Dutch, the agent shall hold up the “AGENT HAS NO MONEY” sign again.

Rule No.8: Even if the agent’s life is threatened, the agent shall never let the patron know the following truths. A) That the agent can hear the patron perfectly. B) That the agent has $200 in quarters under the counter. C) That the only language the agent speaks or understands is Aramaic.

Rule No.9: All glass cubicles shall clearly display a chart indicating train arrivals and fares. However, this chart shall be a fourth-generation photocopy and be set in a font so small that patrons must stand no further than six inches away from the glass cubicle to read it, squinting horribly.

Rule No.10: If any patron squints at an agent, that agent is entitled to throw a fit (see Rule No.6)

Rule No.11: When announcing train delays over the loudspeaker system, the agent shall take care to place the microphone completely down his or her throat.

Rule No.12: All agents are responsible for the station's lost and found items. Any patron who informs the agent of a lost article shall be forced to fill out Form No.JS141800-729, which takes approximately 45 minutes, during which time the patron shall become so confused that he or she will be easy to abduct and send away to Transit Station Agent School, only to re-emerge three weeks later in another glass cubicle as a new agent.

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